March 27, 2019 by Lee
First of all if you’ve not read my first post about my condition and you are interested how and when it all started, then please click here.
Where to begin?
Well, I may again ramble on but I thought I would give an update to where I am at the moment. But before I do I will bring you up to speed on the past 6 months etc.
At the time of writing my first post I was starting to go through a minor low point. My black dog was beginning to get the better of me. This was when I decided to sit in front of the computer and talk. I was merely just talking to myself, but making a note of it. When I finished the post I was in two minds to publish it or not. Like I said in the post, that I have found it hard to except and cope with and this and this is still the same today.
Going through the Christmas period was hard for me. If you don’t know, most years I always put on a Christmas gaming day. Now this isn’t just a random, “let’s play a game”, it’s a full on days gaming.
When you feel the way I did, trying to plan anything becomes a nightmare. Even the simplistic of things like trying to coordinate tying your shoes laces is too much effort. I was completely struggling, my brain would not focus and at night it felt like I was running the London marathon and so by morning I was exhausted.
But once again my wife Melanie and my son Jamie were my rocks. They were patient, they understood, they listened and most importantly they were there for me. I can never thank them enough for everything they do for me, (I just feel ashamed).
Needless to say we got through it, all the hard work payed off, we played a Blood and Plunder game and a Wild West Exodus game. In the evening and days following I collapsed mentally. It had taken so much away from me which has never happened before.
I was so low and I’m ashamed to say it, that I fell out with my dad in a big way. I never told him I was diagnosed with this condition as I didn’t want him to blame himself and so I kept it from him. Anyone reading this take it from me this was not a good idea. I lost my mum when I was 25 not long after I got married and I had to become strong for my dad. Now I know what your thinking, “he’s grieving over his mum”, this is not the case. Yes I will grieve for her when the time comes, but as the shrink has said, that is not the reason I’m suffering from this condition.
So what’s happened from Christmas till now you may ask.
I’m pleased to say that me and my dad worked it out after a couple of months and I explained everything.
Throughout all of this and right up to now I am at yet another low point and my black dog has become too heavy it’s smothered me, I am becoming the black dog. If you ever meet me you will never see it as one thing that people who suffer with this will know how to mask it and put on a persona. I have and only my family know when I’m masking it with my persona. But deep down I’m hurting, but that may be another blog at a later date.
I think I will end this post now as again I’m finding it hard to continue emotionally and I’m mentally exhausted.
Thanks again for getting to this point and again I can only stress that if you know anyone who suffers to make sure they know they are not alone. Also please be mindful of their black dog.
Thanks again for listening